Last month, I turned the ripe old age of forty-four. Not a significant age in any way, but that didn’t stop it from feeling like a big deal. This has been a year of transition, so I think I am taking steps toward feeling more grounded and more myself, and that has caused some internal shifts for me. Maybe it’s just that I’m a therapist or that I feel like a big sister to some of my younger friends, but this felt like a year to share a few things I’ve learned along the way.
It’s ok to start over (and over and over). Starting over is hard. It takes perseverance. It feels risky. But pursuing something you love is worth the risk.
Your lack of a romantic partner is not a reflection of your value and worthiness. Finding love can be difficult. A lot comes down to luck. It may not show up when or how we want it to. It’s okay to feel sad about that. Then remember all the good parts about being single, too. Namely, decorating your home however you like.
Speak up even when it’s hard. For others. For yourself. Have needs and communicate them.
Own what’s yours, but let others own what’s theirs.
Emotional sensitivity isn’t weakness, it’s power! Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Hold empathy for others. Cry. Laugh. Embrace your big, beautiful heart.
Embrace your creativity. Do more of what you would do if you weren’t afraid of not doing it perfectly or of what people would say. Do the things you loved doing (or wanted to do) as a kid. Go the the art museum, the play, the bookstore.
Rest is important, not lazy. Sleep in. Clear your calendar. Embrace doing nothing. I honestly think rest is a key part of inner child work since that’s often the last time we did nothing and felt okay about it.
Do more of the things that light you up. And don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about them. For me, that’s diving into all things Taylor Swift, searching for treasures at thrift stores, spontaneous weekend fun with friends, walking the Silverlake Reservoir, secret stairs, or Griffith Park (even though other walks are closer), loving pink, iced oat milk lattes, listening to the same song on repeat…
Invest in friendship. True connection is magic. Value trustworthiness, vulnerability, and loyalty. Lean on them and let them lean on you.
Chicken soup really is good for the soul. It also is great for meal prep, is relatively inexpensive, and nothing smells more comforting than a pot bubbling away on the stove. I like the Gwyneth Paltrow recipe from It’s All Good.
Getting ready for a night out always takes longer than you think. Plan accordingly or risk getting hot and sweaty as you rush to get ready and all your makeup melts off your face.
You don’t have to be a dog person or a cat person. You can love both.
There are worse things in life than having thousands of unopened emails. Let go of the zero inbox.
Your skincare routine doesn’t need to be complicated: a gentle face wash, sunscreen, moisturizer (you can usually just use your moisturizer as an eye cream), exfoliation, and face oil if you’re feeling fancy. And put your face products on your neck and chest, and probably even the back of your hands.
The best dates (of the romantic or friend variety) are trips to Target or the grocery store.
Spring in LA is tops. The scent of jasmine filling the air, jacarandas and cactus flowers blooming, and cool mornings followed by warm afternoons. Get out and enjoy it.
Being perfect is boring. It is also impossible.
Going to the movie theater > streaming the movie at home. With popcorn, of course.
If “little treats” are wrong, I don’t want to be right.
My body is the least interesting thing about me. My value has nothing to do with my thinness or fatness. People might treat me differently based on my physical appearance, but that is about them. I will not make myself small to conform to culturally constructed beauty norms. I don’t want to waste time hating my body.
How to style curly hair: moisture is key, apply products when hair is soaking wet, and crunchy gel hair = curl cast that you scrunch to soften once dry.
Packing only a carry on for travel is not only possible, but the most convenient way to travel, especially if you’re making multiple stops. I’ve been on two-week journeys to Australia (in winter!), Oaxaca, and the South of France with a carry-on and felt cute in my clothes and was so thankful not to be toting a bigger suitcase.
A spray tan increases confidence by about 50%. I like getting mine at Sugared and Bronzed.
Clean out your closet regularly. When you buy something new, get rid of something old. Be brutal about whether you wear something regularly, fit, and condition. Just because you loved something once, doesn’t mean you still love it enough to wear it now.
Read. Ask friends what their favorite recent reads have been. Track your reading on Goodreads. Get free digital and audiobooks from your library through the Libby app. Or if you pay for Spotify, they have pretty much every audiobook for free.
Practice risk taking and resiliency. Do things on your own, even if they scare you. It can be hard at first, but gets easier the more you try it.
The secret to picking a good karaoke song is choosing one that is in your vocal range (please don’t try for “I Will Always Love You” unless you have the range of Dolly or Whitney) and that you know the words to. If you’re not sure, practice in your car.
If you are fair like me, tinting your eyebrows at home is cheap, quick, easy, and makes a huge difference.
Being by the ocean is soothing and meditative. Something about the rhythm of the waves, the sand between your toes, and the salty air calms me every time. If things are hard, go to the ocean.
A good playlist can up the ante on a party, girls’ trip, or drive. Consider the vibe you want to create and include a mix of songs that people know and those they don’t. Plus if you listen to it on repeat, those songs will becoming future nostalgic reminders of that time (“Fancy” by Iggy Azalea will always remind me of my cross-country drive home from RI with Deb, for example).
There are no good and bad emotions. Feelings are not facts, they are just data—our body and brain telling us something. We can just notice our feelings and allow them to move through us. And consider if there is a call to action—like disgust might be a sign we need to distance ourselves from someone.
Boundaries should be clear with room for flexibility. We create boundaries to protect ourselves from harm. In some cases, they will be permanent, in others they might adjust with time. People will not like the boundary, but that doesn’t mean it is bad—that means it is working.
We are holistic beings. Our emotions and feelings are not separate from our bodies. Pay attention to what your mind, body, and spirit are telling you.
EMDR is not a panacea, but it’s such a good tool if you have any trauma or pain that you just can’t seem to let go of.
Do it alone. Go to the movie, buy the concert ticket, have dinner at the fancy restaurant (bar seating is great), take the trip. Not only can you do it, but it can actually be fun!
Get the tattoo or piercing.
Flowers make the best gift—for yourself or for others. Especially if you DIY a bouquet from Trader Joes. Peonies, ranunculas, roses, and/or dahlias are all good places to start.
I may be biased, but finding a good therapist is life-changing. Ask around for referrals. Go on Psychology Today and explore. Set up several calls with therapists and see who feels like a good fit. So much of the effectiveness of therapy is finding someone you click with. It may be expensive, but it’s an investment that will pay off in dividends.
Be picky about who influences you. I used to follow a bunch of social media influencers that were approximately a size 0. When I changed that to mid-to-plus-size influencers, my perception about myself and my body changed.
Don’t miss out on fun or fashion because your body isn’t thin. Put on the bathing suit and go to the pool. Wear the fitted dress that shows your curves, the crop top that shows your middle, the shorts that show your cellulite. And post a picture while you’re at it (see above).
Find a good cobbler to resole and repair your shoes. It’s often more affordable than buying a new pair and it’s also more sustainable. They can also shorten belts and repair purses.
Don’t worry about what others are thinking of you. They’re way too busy worrying about themselves to give you more than a half second’s thought.
Be especially gentle with yourself when things are hard. Tough things happen and deplete us of our emotional and mental energy. Think of how you would treat a friend if they were dealing with what you are and then extend that treatment to yourself.
Travel whenever you have the opportunity. Sell some stuff if you can’t afford it. Save those vacation days. Stay with friends or find affordable lodging (hot tip: going to places off the beaten path is usually more affordable).
Things I’m into that you might be into, too:
Watch: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver: Trump’s Second Term - Politics are divisive, so I want to preface this with a note that I welcome polite conversations from viewpoints other than my own. And while this show is more entertainment than hard-hitting journalism, I appreciate my news with a side of humor (if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry, right?). This episode is full of information I did not know about what a second term with Trump might look like. And while it is tough to stomach, it is important.
Listen: All Songs Considered: The best songs of 2024 (so far), NPR - Back when bookstores and music stores were still a thing, I used to spend hours wandering the aisles upstairs at Borders in Pasadena. I’d linger at a listening station, the big headphones covering my ears, and hit play on some new album, hoping to hear my next new favorite artist. I always hope the Spotify algorithm will function as my modern day listening station, introducing me to new artists, but the more I listen to the stuff I already know, the more it keeps me stuck in the silo of the familiar. I appreciated this episode (and the accompanying playlist) for highlighting some new music for me to explore. While not all of it was for me, the commentary and background was interesting and I found a couple new songs to add to my Summer 2024 playlist.
Read: It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Ramani Durvasula, PhD - I love the empathetic approach Dr. Durvasula takes in discussing what it’s like to be in relationship with a person with narcissistic traits. The information she provides is validating and practical. She gives information about what to look for, what you might be experiencing, how and why to remove yourself from this relationship (or create boundaries), how to heal, and how to avoid falling back into a relationship with a narcissistic person.
Try: Camel Coffee - This new to the U.S., by way of South Korea, coffee spot is worth the trip to Silverlake. I’ve only been once, but am already dreaming of going back. I got their signature Camel Coffee—a shot of espresso over ice with a bit of milk topped with sweet cream. The bitterness and intensity of the espresso were perfectly balanced by the creaminess of the milk and the sweetness of the cream, which they recommended not stirring into the espresso. Service was friendly and helpful and the line moved quickly.
Hi Cate. These 44 things you learned was really great and inspiring. I love the one about traveling with just a carry on. It is a great skill. We did it when we went to Europe and loved it especially when we had to put our suitcases in our family's tiny "boot" I love the idea about loving both cats and dogs too!! Thank you for sharing all of this to us all. Looking forward to more of your writing. Love you so much.
Sandy
Good stuff Cate, excited to read more of your writing!