When Things are Good

But don't feel like they're good

On a personal level, I’m finding things to be pretty good right now. (Note: not feeling good about the country or the world at all. More to come on that later). After five or six really really really tough years it feels like maybe I’ve made it through the winter and am solidly in spring. I’ve been waiting for this. When things were hard, or another obstacle thudded to my shoulders, I’d tell myself all the cliche things: “This too shall pass” or “One day at a time.” And they did, and I seem to have made it through. I finished grad school. I have a job that I love and a bit more stability in my finances. My relationships with family and friends bring me connection and contentment. My cats are cuddly and good companions. My car actually works (and I’ve even figured out a system for charging it). I passed my licensing test. I feel more emotionally regulated and have a stronger sense of self. Heck, I even went to a pilates class yesterday. I love to talk about this big, beautiful life that I’ve built for myself. I thought now—now—I’ll be good, settled, ready to just enjoy the fruits of my labors. Instead, I feel like I’m still on edge, constantly feeling like there is more to be done. Surely, there’s more to be done. And while there is some truth to that (I mean, I could write a newsletter more often than every year and a half), I wonder if it’s ok for me to just not worry about what’s next. After all, I don’t want my whole life to be centered around my to do list. So I’m trying a few things to sink more into the feelings of relief and pride, to foster contentment for where I am now, and to rejuvenate after a period of just having to get through. Maybe you can relate. If so, here are some things I’m working on.

Be present in the moment. For those of us who have anxiety as a constant companion, this is a tough one. There will always be things to worry about in the future. But worry is unproductive at best and harmful at worst. Life is full of things, both good and bad, that are outside of our control. Anxiety provides a false sense of control, an idea that if I can just ruminate on this long enough, I’ll be prepared for whatever comes and protect myself from pain and hurt. I love The Serenity Prayer for shifting my thinking on this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” When I think of this unsettled feeling of trying to figure out what I need to do next to make life ok, the idea of serenity—"a state of utter calm and unruffled repose or quietude”—sounds pretty nice. So I try to release what is not within my control and come back to the moment. I pay attention to little things: the sun on my face (hooray for that L.A. weather!), my breath, the lavender and pink sunset, my friend’s laugh, the warm water in the shower, the peace of being with people I love. As the Zen masters ask, “what in this moment is lacking?” Usually, the answer is nothing. This very moment—now, now, now—is good.

Play and have fun. This is my personal favorite. After all, having fun is so much fun. I’ve had to be really intentional with this. For me, I can default to tired TV binges or endless social media scrolling, and while that has at times helped me to cope or get through, it rarely brings me joy. Play actually benefits our emotional, physical, and mental health. Stuart Brown, author of Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, writes “I have gathered and analyzed thousands of case studies that I call play histories. I have found that remembering what play is all about and making it part of our daily lives are probably the most important factors in being a fulfilled human being. The ability to play is critical not only to being happy, but also to sustaining social relationships and being a creative, innovative person.” Some things I’ve done recently to play: junk journaling, dressing up like a mermaid to see Chappel Roan, hosting a release party for Taylor Swift’s new album (including crafting bedazzled claw clips), thrifting, jumping on my trampoline, playing with my wardrobe and putting together new outfits, and meeting a friend for a last minute sushi date. Here’s a quiz from Dr. Brown if you need help finding your play personality (speaking of fun, who didn’t love a “Which dog breed are you?” Buzzfeed quiz back in the day?).

Rest and routine. When did we all start wearing our busyness like a badge of honor? When did we learn to equate rest with laziness? After the chaos and irregular schedule of the last few years, I’ve recently been making a concerted effort to build back some routine and downtime into my schedule. I’ll admit I still struggle here (hello, revenge bedtime procrastination!). But as my therapist likes to tell me, our bodies like predictability. So I’m trying to establish a bedtime routine, to make time during my workday for meals, and to move my body regularly. I love how Ingrid Fetell Lee emphasizes the beauty of routine in her book Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness: “The blossoming of the trees, the rising of the sun, the flow of the tides: these recurring events remind us of time’s circular nature and create an underlying cadence of joy that we can rely on.” I’m definitely stealing the phrase “cadence of joy” when pushing myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

So we’ll see how it goes. I’d love to enjoy the good, the happy, the contentment for a bit. And no matter what season you are in, I hope you can discover ways to find that for yourself. Would love to hear what that’s looking like for you.

Things I’m into that you might be into, too:

Watch: Adults

At only eight thirty minute or so episodes, this is a quick watch. It follows a group of friends in their 20s living together in NYC. Kinda a Gen Z “Girls” meets “Friends” but also very much its own thing. It’s cringey at times (in a good way?), but laugh out loud funny and incredibly heartwarming. I fell in love with the characters and was so engaged in their attempts at navigating adulthood, friendships, work, and relationships. It had me saying, “one more episode,” all night. Truly surprised more people aren’t talking about it.

Listen: Lily Allen: West End Girl

In my 20s I used to sing along with my girlfriends to Lily Allen’s cheeky, pop-girl songs like “Smile” with the windows down and an, ahem, smile on my face. This isn’t that. On her first album in a decade or so, she’s used the airy pop music to go full-on confessional, sharing intimate details about the deterioration of her marriage. Simultaneously shocking and vulnerable, Allen confesses to ruminating thoughts, hurt and self-blame, attachment wounds, and coping with medication and alcohol after conceding to an open marriage that led to infidelity. Though some of the songs are still catchy, it’s not necessarily an album I’ll have on repeat. But listening to it is like watching an autobiographical one woman show or reading a memoir. Perhaps a bit salacious, but also brutally honest. Certainly worth a listen.

Read: Body Talk: How to Embrace Your Body and Start Living Your Best Life

Influencer Katie Sturino has been a long time follow for me on Instagram. From her try-on videos where she does the “roll test” on underwear, to #supersizethelook posts where she duplicates cool celebrity outfits in bigger sizes, she is always advocating for size inclusivity and body acceptance at any size. This book offers practical activities and advice for those who may feel like their bodies are too big. It is super relatable and Katie brings a refreshing lightness to work that can be particularly tough. Bonus: she also is the founder of the brand Megababe that offers a variety of beauty products that “tackle ‘taboo’ body issues” such as their Thigh Rescue Anti-Chafing Stick which is a holy grail product for me.

Try: The Patio at West Altadena Wine + Good Neighbor Bar

I love an L.A. patio on a sunny afternoon. After the Altadena fires, the folks at this wine shop and bar converted their parking lot into a gathering space for the community. There are food pop-ups. You can buy a bottle of wine from the shop or a cocktail from the bar, and spend time hanging with friends. There will be kids running around, climbing on the logs from the stumps of fallen trees that used to line Christmas Tree Lane. You might have to wait for a spot to sit, but it’s a good excuse to make new friends. The space is a beacon of light amidst the destruction and I am so glad it’s there. I actually celebrated passing my licensing exam there with a bunless smash burger (please, For the Win, bring some gf buns!), fries, and wine with a few friends. Once I went, and completely unplanned, bumped into some friends. It’s that kind of spot. Go. You’ll love it.

Thanks for following along. As always, would love to hear your thoughts or what you’d like to see in future newsletters in comments.